My favorite singer of all time will be having a concert in Singapore on March. It would be a really memorable and once in a Lifetime event and yet I do not have the capacity to go and watch it. I am so sad right now.. It feels I am letting go of something that will only happen once in your life and I’m letting it slip away… My heart is aching for my childhood dream that will maintain as is and will never become a reality. I know that this will definitely the one that got away and that I’ll forever be heartbroken thinking about it. :( The noise is so loud around me. Too many things happening at once. People talk without listening and I am so done with that. I used to be so sensitive and receptive to other people’s feelings but I realized that while it is becoming so natural of me, I am starting to forget to love and accept myself. It took me a while to realize how awful I feel pleasing other people while sacrificing my own happiness and peace. I reacted and think in a way that it’s everyone’s fault but in reality it is my own fault since I’ve let it all happen. It was a long process of accepting that in order for me to be happy, I need to stop putting other people first. It was not an easy journey and it is still ongoing but I have to focus on the goal, which is to let my self be happy and free. I am grieving because I feel like I am losing the version of myself that was so pure but I welcome this new and stronger woman within me who’s waiting to be set free. Late Night Thoughts When everything feels like falling out in my life right now. My heart feels like bursting. Isn’t it enough that my father is just there lying on the bed in the state of nothingness? Its been 9 yrs for his illness and until now I can’t really understand why this sickness made him suffer for so long. Then comes our kitchen which needs a major repair. I’m at the point of my life where I have no savings even for myself or for my son and yet these problems keep on coming. I just so not know where to pull out the money and how to solve this. I am so broke and I cannot even tell my husband openly about this. He isn’t like me who gives all to the family. I know he will just discourage me in helping and will highlight how I’ve spent most of my life helping them alreqdy and how it’s time to think of my own family. This is making me down so much. How do I even balance my love for my family and my love for my husband and son? I can’t wrap my brain anymore with everything that is happening. At work, I may be doing a good job and I am one of the top performers but my salary does not equate to the effort I am putting. I cannot even use my leave because what I am doing is so critical that no one can do it on my behalf. I just want to rest… Everything is so intense that my mind is no longer able to take it. I can’t even handle my own son’s tantrums. I am feeling life a failure as a mom, wife, daughter and sister. I am falling into pieces.. It is Day 2 of my Intermittent Fasting and hell yeah it is so hard not to think about food! I am experiencing some minor headaches but overall I have lost 4 lbs.. There is still a long way to go so I need to focus on my goal… I really just wish my headache will be gone soon.. I am also feeling some hunger on some time through the day. But I am just eating some fruits and egg to somehow reduce my hunger. I cannot also feel full as this is the first time I’ve gone a day with limited rice. Well it should have been no rice at all but decided to take it slow as my body needs to adapt as well. I just really want this to work. I have to keep on reminding myself that this is what I really wanted and what I needed for myself. So yes, keep your eye on your goal girl. We can do this!!  I know that I should have done it earlier but I always tell myself that I deserve all the treats that I ate as being a new mom is definitely tiring both mentally and physically. But you know at one point in your life you will look at yourself in the mirror and ask who is that person standing in front of you. I just can no longer recognize that person. It’s as if the old me and the now is totally different people. So I woke up one day really determined that I have to make the change that I wished to become and so I am taking my first step today to that change. I know it could be excruciating but I know the end of the road is worth it. See you my healthier version of me in a few months! 
Funny how it’s been like 10 years since I have logged in here on Tumblr. A lot of things happened but the most striking one was when you left us Mameh.. The very reason why I logged in again here is to check if this is the blog you were talking about in one of your tweets which I do think you were regularly updating. Sadly, this is not the one. I was looking forward to reading more of your posts because that is the only thing where I can feel like knowing your thoughts and perhaps would feel like I am talking with you. What happened would forever put a pain in my heart. Because you left us at the most surprising way. It is really hard to accept the fact that I can no longer talk to you the way we normally do. Hopefully one day, I can finally come across the blog you have been hiding from all of us. But for now, I hope you are happy wherever you are. Smile to us our precious angel from above… |
